He kissed a someone with a penis
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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