I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
