remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
