I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
