What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize