Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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