my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
