He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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