2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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