I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Church boner. Awkwardddd
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i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
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I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
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