even my farts smell like vagina
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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