I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize