There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
