Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
