Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
