So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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