For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
