Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
