i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
