I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
