im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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