I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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