i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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