cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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