I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Randomize
