walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
