if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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