I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
