if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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