I haven't been this sober since birth.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
