Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
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You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
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He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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