he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
