I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
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Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
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I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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