he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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