Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
