I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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