burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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