Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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