You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
My ass is underappreciated
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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