just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
