we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
