My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
