Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
