I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
