I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
