I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
