I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
