I wanna passion pit in your ass
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?