nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
