I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
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