Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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