I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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