Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
