Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
