The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His hands were made for my vagina.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Randomize