Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
