U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
In America we eat man semen.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
