Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
