Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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