I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
